Flirting. While Married?

(If there are serious problems in your marriage, please seek godly, experienced help.)

Our culture thinks nothing of married people flirting with others, that it's no big deal, that it won't hurt anyone.

When you flirt with anyone other than your spouse you are seeking to boost your own self-image with others. Flirting is only seeking to fill something that is lacking in ourselves.

When we flirt, or we accept flirting from someone else we are passively telling our spouse, “someone will appreciate me if you don’t”. Even if your spouse never sees or knows about the exchange the seed is planted in your brain. That seed will grow and change your interactions with your spouse.

If I was in a situation where I was meeting a person of the opposite sex I would naturally be talking about my husband very quickly as I got to know this person. 

My personal convictions are to avoid:

private texting or Facebook chatting

building close work relationships with men

not eat out alone or travel alone with another man

I will speak lovingly of my husband

I will openly share my phone with my husband

I will share my Facebook passwords and email with my husband

Do you call people of the opposite sex the same endearments that you use toward your spouse?  Those no longer mean anything special. If I have a special name for my husband, it is reserved for him only. 

What about winking?  Are you a winker?  You might feel it is just being friendly, but how does your spouse feel about you winking at others?

I wouldn't sign off an email or text to someone of the opposite sex with any term of endearment.  For me that includes a 'winky face', a heart, the word 'Love', or even 'Hugs!'. 

When you have been flirting outside of your marriage it is much easier to look only on your spouses faults and ignore your own. Flirting says, “I don’t need to change, someone likes me the way I am, you must be the problem”. That message is a dangerous enemy to any marriage!

Flirting can set off a relationship with the opposite sex that quickly slides into temptation. Innocent glances, turn to jokes, jokes to conversation, conversation to sharing, sharing to relationship.

Very few people set out intending to have an affair. 

It almost always starts as a friendship or close work relationship then proceeds to slowly flirting and confiding emotional details and problems. 

It is a lot harder for an affair to happen, whether sexually or emotionally, when we purposefully stay away from comprising situations and provide no opportunity for your heart to get distracted.

I Would Never

Before you just say “I would never flirt.” I challenge you to think through every relationship you have with a member of the opposite sex: neighbors, friends, colleagues, the stranger you see at the coffee shop in the morning. Are there any of them that you really enjoy getting them to smile, you look forward to talking to, or that you haven’t told your spouse about? If you answered yes, then figure out what you need to do to dramatically change or sever that relationship. If you answered no, think about what boundaries you need to put in place to keep it that way!

Flirt with your SPOUSE! Redirect your attentions to the one you're married to.  Flirting is fun - just do it with your spouse.  Enjoy and have fun with it.

Make much of your marriage in public. There shouldn’t be any doubt in the minds of the people you’re serving that you’re happily married. 

Never discuss your marriage problems with anyone of the opposite sex. If you do, you’re asking for trouble. When your marriage is hurting, it’s too easy for you to see someone who is listening to you as the answer.

Would you be comfortable if your spouse were to read your private emails or texts?  Let's assume that they should never be private, then what would your messages look like?  Hopefully they would be the same as they are now.

Your marriage matters. It matters enough for you to protect it. The best way to protect your marriage is to keep working at it. Never stop growing closer to God and your spouse. The moment you’re not growing closer, you’re growing farther apart.

Date Nights

Mark and I started dating when we were teenagers.  We were high school sweethearts.

Five months after we were married we discovered we were expecting our first child. Our married life as two had not lasted very long.  We were quickly about to become a family of three.

Ladies, I must tell you, as exciting as it is to become a mother and nurture this new life that God has given you, it is vital that you put your husband first. My husband consistently pursued me.  He understood the importance of fostering and maintaining our relationship as a couple. My husband made 'us' a priority and established dating in our marriage relationship from the beginning.  While we've been married he's continued to treat me as his girlfriend.

Now, we are entering a new phase in our marriage.  Our children are all young adults.  We enjoy the company of our adult children, but, we are also now grabbing hold of each other and embracing our couple time.  We know that soon it will be just the two of us at home and we are planning to be that young couple in their twenties again. 

Our dates have changed over the years.  We no longer have to find sitters or wait until our children fall asleep to put in a movie.  We still love staying home, making a dinner or grabbing take-out and cuddling on the couch while we watch a dvd.  Sometimes, however, it is important to put time and effort into planning your dates.  Take some time and brainstorm together and see what sort of things you'd both like to do.

Recently Mark surprised me and planned a full day for the two of us.  We started out by going to the gym together.  (Several years ago we joined a gym so that we could have an activity to do together to stay in shape and stay healthy.) After we returned from the gym, we showered and  Thad brunch at home.  The next thing on our agenda was appointments to each have a massage.  After that our date continued to Starbucks followed by supper at a local restaurant.  

Another date day recently included sleeping in, enjoying a late breakfast together at home, followed by a trip to a city across the border to do some shopping and out for a steak supper.

Our dates don't have to involve spending money.  We enjoy going for a walk, eating at home and watching television that we've pre-recorded.  

Be intentional.  Plan to spend time together.  Grab time that opens up and fill it with the one that you love.  Watch your love grow and flourish as your focus is taken off yourself and back to the one you fell in love with and chose to spend your life with.

Date nights are especially important if the week has been busy and we have not seen much of each other. It’s time to catch up on each other’s lives. We have learnt to put away our cell phones during this time so that other things don’t distract us. The date is for us to enjoy each other’s company and hang out with the person who is our best friend.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Mark and I have always had a busy life for the most part.  The season we are in now seems to be one of the busiest.

We have three wonderful children who are all young adults now. Their lives intertwine with ours for the most part and we are enjoying having two of our children still living at home. 

Letting busyness rule your life can be detrimental to your marriage and family.  

Quality time is my love language.  But don't be fooled about the myth of 'quality time'.  I'd rather have 2 hours of doing 'nothing' with my husband than ten minutes of 'quality' conversation.  I'm just as happy curling up with him and watching a movie so that we can just decompress while being together.  

Mark and I look for opportunities to be together as well as plan time to be together.  You need to be intentional.  

Take a walk together.  It's a perfect opportunity to hold hands and connect with each other without any distractions. 

Plan a date at the beginning of your busy week and one at the end. Our marriages need intimate connection.  We refuel by spending time together.

Turn off the tv. Find other ways to relax together. Perhaps give each other a massage. 

Look for ways to facilitate conversation. This is so important during seasons of busyness.

Use technology.  Send each other texts and emails. Picture texts can be lots of fun too!  
If you have time, have a quick phone call. Hearing each other's voice can be a nice change.

Are you free for lunch?  Connecting in the middle of the work day can be a great way to spend time together.  The end of the work day can be a tiring and busy time as you arrive home to make supper and maneuver home life.

Pray together.  You don't have time not to.  Praying together is one of the most intimate things you can do as a couple.

KISS!  There's nothing that connects you more than kissing.  Greet each other with a kiss.  Leave each other with a kiss.  Kiss just because you're in the same room.  And don't forget to linger.  This is the person you love more than anyone.  Your best friend.  The one you get to share your whole life with.  

Intimacy reenergizes you and builds deep connection for your marriage.  Out of this time together you can face the challenges and life stuff that comes along.

Make time for each other! It's so worth it.

Things I Love About My Husband

Mark and I started dating 33 years ago.  

We became best friends and fell in love.  I am so blessed to have been married to the love of my life for over 25 years.   Staying married and being together until 'death do us part' is non-negotiable for us.

I still get excited when I see him.  If he sends me a special text telling me he loves me or an email telling me I'm beautiful, my face lights up and my heart is full.

Everyday is not a fairytale. Marriage means committing to real life together. Forever.  Marriage is a Vow.  Not a contract.  

My husband adores me and I love and and respect him. 

My love for him has continued to grow and to honor him I'm making a list of what I love about him.  It will continue to grow as I am reminded daily of his many character attributes that have captured my heart.

1. He loves God.
2. He loves me.
3. He loves our children.
4. He is funny. He has a quick sense of humour.  He shows his love to me by letting me be the object of his humour.
5. He is incredibly intelligent.
6. He has amazing blue eyes. When he looks into my eyes, my heart melts.
7. He says he's proud of me.  (Wow!  That is so important to me.)
8. I love his voice.  
9. The way he forgives me when I make mistakes.
10. He prays with me and for me.  This speaks so deeply to me and solidifies our relationship.
11. He always holds my hand whenever we are walking.
12. He is a great cook and enjoys making meals for me.
13. He vacuums and mops. Every week. (I know I am spoiled.)
14. He likes to take care of me.
15. He is the perfect height for me.
16. Although he is right most of the time, he doesn't rub it in.
17. He can always make my troubles go away with an 'I love you'.
18. I can tell him anything and he won't be shocked.
19. He has incredible integrity.
20. He is all I've ever wanted for my husband.
21. He didn't freak when I got a tattoo without telling him.
22. He is patient with me.
23. His strength. Physical and spiritual.
24. He inspires me and brings adventure to my life.
25. He is my biggest encourager and supporter.
26. He is very sexy.
27. His strong arms.
28. He sets goals and achieves them.
29. He dreams with me.
30. He is creative.
31. He often puts me first.
31. He wants to make my dreams come true.
32. He is ambitious.
33. I feel so protected when he wraps his strong arms around me.
34. When he reads to me.
35. I love when he surprises me.
36. He is thoughtful.
37. He has fun with me.
38. I can be silly with him.
39. He'll take me shopping.
40. He celebrates marriage.
41. I love when he sings to me.
42. He thinks I'm sexy.
43. He is an incorrigible tease.
44. He is generous with me. Sometimes too much.
45. He loves me freely. He only expects me to be me.
46. He inspires me to be my very best. He never gives up on me.
47. He invests in me.
48. His confidence in himself.
49. He handles stress very well. He brings peace to me.
50. He is willing to try anything.
51. He sees more in me than I often do.
52. He is prompt. I am not.
53. I love standing beside him.
54. He talks to me.
55. He has always made 'us' a priority.
56. He tells me he loves me.
57. He is a great kisser.
58. He is good at forgiving me for my occasional stupidity.
59. He is the friend and the lover that I've always dreamed of.
60. He is my best friend.
61. He extends grace to me when I definitely don't deserve it.
62. He works tirelessly for our family
63. He is open and honest with me
64. He doesn't let our conflicts carry over to another day
65. He makes great eggs - the way I like them
66. He is great at decision making
67. He reads his bible
68. He is steadfast
69. He likes to have fun with me

Too be continued....